It was a lazy day, from an outside observer's point of view, I didn't do much. That's what I was thinking while I was stretched across my bed, flipping channels and eating a dill pickles with plain Lays potato chips. I learned a long time ago that I should feel bad if I wasn't swamped, busy, and feeling the stress of having too much to do.

So, this afternoon, I felt the default kick in and I wondered how I could salvage a lazy day. But as I pondered that thought, I discovered that somewhere along the way, my "default" was replaced with experience. And I knew I had actually done quite a bit today. For example, I spent it at home with my daughter. She is six years old. She and I watched a movie together on cable.  We talked and she sang some songs. She played with her stuffed animals and asked me if she could be my "dog"...her favorite past-time. She runs around the house on all fours, barking and curling up at my feet occasionally. I always say "yes" when she asks, primarily because it requires very little effort on my part. She's been doing it for so long she has the mannerisms of a dog down pretty well. The way she moves her legs and leaps from the sofa or bed is impressive. So she barked and I ate pickles and clicked channels.

My mind was going 100 miles a minute the entire time I was sitting still. I was thinking about a career decision I recently made and would it work...I was thinking about my Eng Comp II class on-line at PJC and if I was supposed to have anything done and posted by Sunday night. I checked and there's nothing due until Wednesday. As a matter of fact, it is ALL due by Wednesday. I was thinking about how my 19-year-old daughter has not made contact with me today. She does every day, even if it is a quick text. I thought to myself she must be busy with her friends and how grateful I was for that. She went away to Florida State University last August and I feel like I went with her. She was on the phone with me every day, several times a day...I drove with her to school, I waited in the car with her while she was killing time before classes started, I escorted her to her car at 1 a.m. when she was studying late at the library. I listened when she cried with frustration over the crisis of the day...I made her laugh when she started letting things get to her...I had to get unlimited minutes on my cell phone because of her. So today, it is after dinnertime and she has not contacted me. I am glad she is busy with her life. She's home now, for the summer and then leaving this August for London to study with FSU. I've never been to London, but I'm sure I will hear the sounds in the background when she calls from there.

So my little daughter and I hung around the house today. And it was a simple, calm, normal day. Nothing out of the ordinary happened and the world felt right. That was what I did for her today. Offered her a normal, calm day with her favorite TV shows, and snacks and our white cat that does nothing but sleep on the back of the sofa, and shed.

My youngest son promised my 6 year old that he would take her for ice cream this morning. So we went to get it and no one was open. At 10, Tastee Freeze opened and we were there in the drive-through, buying a cone for her before the chocolate was ready for dipping, so it melted all over the place. The girl at the window told us to put it in a cup, upside down, and here's a spoon. I just stared at her and told her we didn't want ice cream in a cup or we would have gotten a sundae. So, at my request, she made a new smaller cone that didn't have nearly as much ice cream to melt and we drove away.

Life was not always so calm. I raised four kids all in the same house at once, and I remember one year in particular, when they all went to different schools. Four different drop-offs in the morning. Four different ages and sets of concerns to handle. Life was busy and chaotic and I often met myself passing in the door. I try not to feel guilty now because life has calmed down so much.

We went to see fireworks last night, my little daughter and I. We agreed to park somewhere and stay in the car to watch them because the sound bothers her. I adore the sound. I've always loved the feeling of the BOOM in my chest when the fireworks went off high above my head. I remember one year my dad actually parked underneath where they were exploding. I loved loved loved it. But she does not, so we started two blocks away from Riverwalk in Milton. Then, at her behest, we moved about a 3/4 of a mile down the road. We stayed there about 10 minutes, and she asked me to move further away because she could still hear the booms. So I found a good parking lot and we sat there until it was over. I played the radio loudly so she wouldn't keep her hands over her ears. It was only a few blocks until we were home once the fireworks were over and I smiled to myself when I thought about all the schmucks who parked downtown and were stuck in traffic as I pulled into my driveway.

I was angry at my ex-husband ... oh... about 22 years ago, when he didn't want to go with us to see fireworks. We had two young sons at the time and their dad chose to sit at home while I took them, alone. It was one of the first times I thought he was an ass and considered divorcing him. Believe me, there was a lot more than that, but it was a visible reminder of the differences in our focus as individuals.

I thought of that last night when I realized I didn't really care about going to fireworks. I used to get very excited, wanting to relive that old feeling I got as a child when my parents took me and my two younger brothers, one younger sister. As a teenager, I looked forward to watching fireworks, sitting with my boyfriend's arms wrapped around me... but that did not happen and  I married a man who didn't go with us. So last night, when I felt lazy and didn't care about going, I did it anyway, ironically, with a child who is afraid of fireworks. Regardless, I did it for her. And despite her desire to drive further and further away from the beautiful lights exploding in the sky, we had fun. It was an entirely different experience with her. She is like an only child because she is so much younger, so there is just the two of us. No "family" group to eww and ahh with. So it was on me to smile and say which ones I loved and throw in the occassional "wow" when a really good one came up. I explained what a grand finale is and she waited with great anticipation for it to arrive.

I have a sister who is 12 years younger than me.  She grew up much like my daughter is, alone with a mom. In her case, she had a dysfunctional childhood and has been sharing those memories with me lately. She was left at home with my then-teenage brother and sister, who fought. Physically. Those were her babysitters, before my parents divorced and she went on to live alone with Mom. It did a lot of damage, not having normal, calm days where she felt secure and took her life for granted. And her words, now, as a 36-year-old help me to know what I am doing is important. Even if, from the outside looking in, we look a bit lazy.

There are some things in life that no one can take from me. They are pure and real. They are what they are and perceptions don't change them. Labels don't change them. Someone else saying I'm wrong -- or even if the moments that follow are not as focused and valuable -- does not change anything.

I chose to remove myself from a bad relationship that lasted 20 years. My ex thinks I cheated because I think that is the only excuse he could accept for me not wanting to be with him anymore. I didn't cheat. That is the truth. I simply wanted to be free to be who I am, no excuses. As a result, I've been pretty much alone for 8 years. Alone is not so bad. The loneliness or ... more accurately, the lack of connection to another human being ... can be difficult. But no one is talking down to me. No one is abandoning me. No one's job is more important than our relationship. No one can tell me what to do, how to think or how to feel. No one's shame is mine. No one's anger is mine. I choose every day what mood to be in, what to think about, the goals I want to pursue and what I want to learn. My life is mine.

If I am fortunate enough to connect with another person and to share a few moments with that person, I know I am exactly where I should be. Years ago, when I was much younger, I had all these expectations...of a man who would be the perfect partner and would be creative, and sensual, and faithful and kind. He would want to know all about me and he would always be there for me. While those notions sound good on paper, they are not real. I have learned that each person who comes into my life offers something for me to take on into my future, whether or not that person comes along with me. I've learned so much from everyone I have known. Very few have truly touched my heart. Even fewer have touched my soul.

It is not the amount of time or even the amount of effort that went into each contact with each of these people. It was the intensity...the focus...if I had their attention for five minutes...did we connect? Were they true to who they portrayed themselves to be? Did they get inside my being where a little bit of them will always remain?

Only if they are true and real and I am true and real, can we really make that connection. Finding that in someone is more difficult than it should ever be.

I've been alone for a long time. I won't allow anyone to get close to me if they aren't good for me. They can visit...but they won't be invited to stay. This shocks a lot of people. So many decide anyone is good as long as you can reach out and touch someone. I can't do that. I can lend myself to a situation...I can explore the possibilities...and I am more open to that right now in my life than ever before. But I won't settle just to have a warm body near me.

With that connection, the reality of a warm kiss is far beyond what we can imagine. The feel of his face under my fingers...the sounds he makes, the way he smells...his eyes and his smile. His sense of humor and his tone... his concerns and his worries and his passions and his commitments... his sense of duty and the things he values in his life...

I was there. I have no way to know if I will ever be there again...but by God, I was there. And it was good.